levitating still and I'm 20 soon!

"Then one day I'll finally be able to plant a flag that signifies my liberty"

(Flag wo Tatero - YUKI)

h-hey there!

You know, I'd always brag at myself how I don't really need to make a draft before finally typing out a full-blown post, but here i am flailing - at a loss for words. I'd continue to ramble about how I love to say or type or pour out my feelings in the spur of the moment, because I admire the honesty and fragility of it all yet, if I want to send a message across, I'd be sure to draft a little something beforehand. Next time la. Kalau rajin.

Its 2020!

I've just re-read my previous posts back from 2008 till 2019 and marveled at how some of them were very meaningful to me, despite how immature (oop, still am) i deemed myself back then. Fast forward to today, I'm currently in the middle of finals. I have another 4 papers to go, with a killer paper (biochem) coming at me this Friday, yet I just can't miss out on this vibe to write something, anything, today. It's annoying how its almost impossible to ignore this new year energy that has been spiraling in the air since yesterday.

so grateful for this bunch, and the weird places we choose to study :)

Speaking of new years, I admittedly had the new-year's blues yesterday. Yes, a term I coined especially for that time of the year. And to top it off, even the house was so still and dark yesternight, I just can't help it. Biochemistry notes aflutter, I decided to truly dedicate the night to myself and give houris a gift she has long awaited - a phone that is on flight mode and an early bedtime!!!! After making several last touches to my journal, kemas bilik here and there, putting up a lavender scent, ambik wudhu and Im good to go to the land where shouts and crowds of people celebrating the new year are non-existent. Bliss.

Maybe, one of the reasons I feel so blue every time its new year's eve is because I'm not able to come up with great resolutions (or any at all) , let alone getting them ticked by the end of next year. And dont get me started on the great expectations that comes with it, oh noooooo. Another silly reason is because it didn't feel like a new year. The moon wasn't in the new moon phase yet. HAHA POYO.

Alhamdulillah tho, i woke up feeling really calm and tranquil. Thinking about it now, perhaps I'd change the phrase 'to expect' to 'being hopeful' when it comes to pondering into the future. Plus, its plain fine and dandy to set goals for yourself especially when everyone else is so hype about it since its a new year. However, keep in mind that these goals are meant to be refreshed, adjusted and be mindful of, every once in a while. Heck, you can celebrate your very own new years multiple times in a year. 

For me, I'd personally be more serious about using the Lunar/ Hijriah calendar, instead of just acknowledging it's existence, to really give it a spiritual vibe. Which means being aware of moon phases, celebrating tahun baru (and birthday!) at least two times a year, being mindful that on malam Nisfu Syaaban, our record of deeds (good and bad) are sent up above and exchanged with another one that has clean sheets in it - which, should be more of a big deal tbh. 

All in all, I think its okay to not feel the same way as everyone else. But its also great to jump in the bandwagon brimmed with positivity, just because. If there are several things I'd love to achieve this year, they would be;

1. to be more present in everything esp solat - no more autopilot mode
2. to be honest with my needs - be braver to seek help from the right people
3. to draw and express (blog or journal or a make 3-min podcast session) every.single.day
4. morning routines not forgotten, but beautified and improved every time

With that, I wish you a happy new year and May Allah prolong this sense of renewal and help us turn over countless of new leaves in the days to come. Keep me in your doas, pretty please ok bye!