妹: Little Sister

For anything you have had absolutely no say in whatsoever, then it's Allah's test for you

-Mufti Menk 

     I've never felt the luxury of having an elder sibling. Well, I know some of my friends complain about them, being teased for trivial things, kicked in the gut for some reason i don't think i want to remember? But despite hearing all the complaints, I can't help but realize the tinges of deep regard they have for their sister/brother between the lines of their frustration. They might talk to me as if they hated them their entire life but whenever their sister/brother encounters a good turn of events or need help in masses, my friends would not hesitate to spread the joy/awareness. And these good things are usually when they're getting married, needed customers for their new business, convocations, or maybe just a simple "hari ni kakak aku cakap dia rindu akuu!"

Haha. and they have no idea how that made me feel happy inside and why I would suddenly burst out laughing when they complain about their sisters. Because I gotta admit, I'm guilty of what they've done too. And I hope my own siblings would talk good things about me, too.

Regardless how awful the elder acts, at some point in time, they must have been looked up to at least once. If not, then more. I guess big sisters really do leave a huge impact on their little sisters. And I feel that most of the time, I haven't been a good role model. However, it bewilders me when they'd still come running to 'sambut' me with hugs and sheepish smiles every time I get back home from long kuliah weeks back in foundation.

Little sisters are a gift, but they're also quite weird.

They observe my every step. The songs I listen to, what I post on instagram, how my friends are like, sometimes they wanna stare at my friends too lol. The list just goes on endlessly! Back in our senior year in ssp, I'd normally take light of the saying 'kamu kena jaga tingkah laku kamu blablabla role model blablabla mereka perhatikan setiap perbuatan kamu' because to me back then, I'd never be that obsessed to my seniors to the point that I'll copy whatever they do. Where's the originality in that? Bold of you to assume that the juniors would turn out as laid back and rebellious as we are.

That was before I was finally able to stay for longer breaks at home , that I came to realize how much my actions affected my own siblings at home. It was creepy to see myself in each and every one of them. Their negative acts displeased me when I remembered that I used to do the same back then. And whenever they'd do pleasant things, I'd go - "Mummy, akak dulu rajin tolong kat dapur jugak ke?" -no, i think not.

Point is, being at home does not equal to rest. It does not equal to shedding the mask I wear in classes or with my friends. The mask stays on. All men are created equal hence they should be treated the same way as well. With love. The sweet tone I use to talk to my friends, should be used towards my family, including my little sisters. Sometimes, I'm used to acting like a crazy cartoon lady in front of them, they tend to use the same crazy energy in casual conversations as well ._.

Too much for me to handle, apparently.

Meh, we'll see where this goes. I sincerely hope for myself to turn over a new leaf throughout this path of retribution though. (ceh) If I want to fix my family, then the seed germination should sprout from within me. I am the initiatior. Regardless how vexed or complex my bloodkin are, I will stay patient and headstrong in the right places. I mean, I'm most probably a toxic member myself! And if I am not fated to live long, I'd want to leave my family in the hands of little ladies who are hopefully better than I am.

May Allah ease.