the last entry; happy birthday!
Salam, hi!
Something tells me if I don't get this done right now, it'll never come to be - at least, on time la. Come March 4th, I'll be working on my new blog! surprise!!! Though, belum siap set up lagi, wordpress' slightly tricky when you dive in headfirst without guidance. Kononnya, this'll mark the end of first my 20 years alive. Well, in truth, this blog encapsulates just a small fragment of my life but as i read the previous posts deriving to back when I was eight, man. The feeling when your own writing makes you cringe... So as to show that the way I think changes as time flies - and I find that amusing to take note of. Hence, I expect the next 10 or 20 years to be significantly different compared to before despite me still being the big baby I am.
On another note, there's the pandemic that also got the better of me last January (yes, I'm a covid survivor!). Long story short, it was just bad luck. Or as my mum would say, we should be thankful He chose us to go through all that covid mayhem and see, feel, experience stuff others won't be able to emphatize with. Here in Malaysia, the virus is almost reaching its own anniversary this mid-march and I've got to say- a lot has changed. Me, not the virus (which um of course dah mutate several times too, congrats covid). Personally, I've been noticing a lot of things about myself. In a year, I realized that I'm so easy to be manipulated or coaxed to do something - macam lalang. Tapi tak juga. If its related to innate urges of food cravings and other obsessions, then I don't really think twice. Nampak orang post makanan kat socmed, bam! - grabfood/panda. Sometimes I find myself easy to get caught in a flow that's not really beneficial for me - tapi sebab kawan, I stayed. I wanted to learn more about them. "Oh, so this is what you're into?" - something like that. Thankfully though, I'm currently blessed with people who know me enough to help me put barriers for myself (see? big baby material). For example, around me, they try their best to refrain from cursing, or give me trigger warnings or insisting I should leave if they're about to discuss a topic they deem I'm not comfortable with. I highly appreciate that.
Second thing I've noticed is that I'm actually scared. Ok, that's an understatement. I'm a coward. I run away from a lot things. From getting involved in any relationships, responsibilities, tough conversations that might end up with me exposing my demons, etc. Even with families, a bond needs to be tested with some sort of hardship for it to grow - and I find myself very flighty when things get complicated. I might understand what both sides are going through but I don't engage because its hard to face them head-on. Writing this now, it doesn't feel that much scary. What's the worst that could happen anyways? From what I see now, as long as I talk with a sound head on my shoulders, inshaAllah everything will turn out okay. Even if, I end up in an argument (worst case scenario), a win can still be secured in the end - we'll get to know, understand, and emphatize each sides better. And hopefully, in the next banter, we'll get even closer to a common ground, compared to when we choose to turn a blind eye. I now know that ignoring a problem or disassociating people from our lives is not only an act of cowardice, but its also selfish of me to do so. Something I learned from 'Wonder Egg Priority ep 7' (hehe).
On a lighter note, I haven't been chewing as much when i eat (lol). Biasanya I'll mentally count up to 40, paling tak pun I'll make sure that the food inside my mouth almost jadi bubur before swallowing. Hm, a sign that I haven't been that mindful while eating. I've also discovered a lot of new podcasts, besides getting into- wait for it- kdramas and kpop AHHAHAHA. No worries, I think I've managed to stop myself from going too far. About school, meh. I think the second online sem is way better than the first. Alhamdulillah, I managed to start studying earlier than before and the 'online' environment where I see my friends trying their best to make studying a group thing, it motivated me to also try my best. We went through some hiccups masa exam of course, but hey, at least we studied together. Asal pass...
Anyways, Its hard to believe I'm already turning 21 tomorrow, InshaAllah. If you know me, you'd know that I don't really make a huge fuss out of birthdays hence why I don't really wish everyone (unless I'm really hyper at that moment) - in hopes that others wont celebrate mine in return. If you were to ask me why, then maybe its because I don't really find the significance of it all? I mean, I get that you're a year older but doesn't that happen gradually everyday as well? Shouldn't we just celebrate every single day that we were blessed to wake up in? "boo spoil la houris ni". Yeah I know hahaha. Its just that I find it even more beautiful to see every day as another chance to start over with a clean slate. To wake up with no strings of regret latched on the past and a burning desire to seize the day - pastu bila nak tidur, reflect on your day with immense!! gratitude!! regardless of how miserable the day was and hope that your deeds that day are well recorded. To see every day as your birthday and as you sleep at night, you die every time as well. But tu lah, I'm currently working on installing that mindset as well teehee.
A smol collage of random moments I'm grateful for throughout last year;
21 things im grateful for before turning 21
1. Closer relationship with my deen, family and friends
2. My first ever job as a rookie vet assistant/runner/cleaner/pet groomer
3. Got into gardening again
4. Bought a manga to practise translating with
5. Seriously start journalling again
6. Mom started a smol baking business and i baked my first rotiboy!
7. Adopted lino
8. Barely passed the second semester of Year 1
9. MPK?
10. Frisbeeeeee
11. Positive for Covid
13. Sort of organized my first picnic with friends
14. Sleepover at Sophie's!
15. Started to enjoy running/working out again
16. Got my own copy of 'Secrets of Divine Love'
17. Started an art acc
20. Participated in IVSA's South Africa GE
21. Im still a big baby, and thats ok :)
Wishing everyone here a life led with purpose and meaning and endless laughter and tears that will bring us all closer to Him. Thank you Allah for the opportunity given for me to ramble throughout these years, my readers yang datang singgah whenever you please, my aunt Ann for seeing a spark in me at the tender age of 8 pastu terus sign me up for a blogger acc on the spot. I know I'm not much of a writer, but my aunt's gesture says a lot about how a small encouragement can go a long way and for that reason, I intend to go on and somehow find myself along the way.
see you in blog II!
xx, houris
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